Who wears a wallet chain?!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
