You can't special order awesome
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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