So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
