I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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