Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
