can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
