i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
