My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
