Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I think I won the penis lottery.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
