I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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