The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
