so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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