I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
