He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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