and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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