his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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