so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
