it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He kissed a someone with a penis
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Two words: nipple clamps
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