i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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