what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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