Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize