I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize