i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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