Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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