She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My pussy is not your playground.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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