I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Randomize
