My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
