there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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