You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
