...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So apparently I’m into choking now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize