why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
