I can't breathe out the right side of my face
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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