dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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