How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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