we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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