i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
