toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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