Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i believe in u and ur pee
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