new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Even the bartender felt bad for me
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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