Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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