you have to choose: penises or morals?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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