His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
