after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
