Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
