dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
