Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
