I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
are you so shy because you have an std?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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