I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
In America we eat man semen.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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