I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
