I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
