Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
