Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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