Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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