how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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