I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
