We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
