His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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