when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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