he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
