Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
