there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I can't turn off my feet"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
